An Incredibly Helpful Book

Instead of sharing my own thoughts, I’m using this week’s post to bring a potentially life-changing book to your attention. I am on the board of a wonderful organization 70x7 (www.70x7.org) founded by my friend Mark Goodman. His upbringing is among the most dysfunctional I have ever seen, and he’s written his story in his just-released book Forgiving a Good Man (https://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Good-Man-survivors-forgiveness/dp/1662883129). Mark has recounted his background on numerous podcasts, and his book is getting great buzz! He is also making good progress toward turning his story into a feature-length movie.

By Mark’s own admission, the only explanation for his current healthy mental state is God’s grace. He is a forgiveness coach, speaker, and author, and his mission in forgiveness is unique because it combines clinical psychology, theology, and real-life experiences. Here is a link a six-minute video explaining his personal forgiveness journey:  70x7.org/about.

And here is a synopsis of his story.

My personal story took me from an abusive home life in Detroit with a father who was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to his own boys to being homeless on the streets of LA as a teenager. But it was better and safer in the streets of LA than the home I grew up in. My three brothers did not fare as well. One died angry, one checked out mentally and lives in imaginary walls of his own making with imaginary friends to keep him safe, and one brother took his own life while on the phone with me. And yet…here I am…one of the happiest people you will ever meet with a beautiful wife, a beautiful life, six beautiful girls and 13 grandchildren. How does that make sense? Shouldn’t I be angry? On drugs? Full of resentment? The answers: Everything is forgivable. The Lord tells us (1 Peter 3:9) that there is a blessing for not repaying evil with evil — I am living that blessing! I had a choice and the right to carry around that resentment my entire life…but I chose freedom….freedom found in forgiveness.

And my dad…the same man who should have gone to jail for the rest of his life for the things he did…at age 65, sobered up and turned his life to God. The last 23 years of his life, he was the nicest, most generous person you would ever meet. We reconciled and had a great time together. The message: You are never too old, never done too much bad to find God’s grace, redemption, and forgiveness…and for us…reconciliation.

If you know anyone – including yourself – who lives under a burden of bitterness because of horrible things others have done to them, I urge you to recommend Forgiving a Good Man to them. Or better yet, give them a copy. And be praying that in the near future, millions will be able to see Mark’s story on the big screen.

Why Do I Keep Doing This? Two Reasons I Anticipated and Two I Didn’t

This post represents a milestone – my 100th article. My first post from June 21, 2017 was called, “Two Ways Not to Pray and One Way to Pray.”  Now, almost exactly six years later, I’m hitting triple digits.

Committing myself to write on a regular basis has been a fun – but time-consuming – exercise. I typically mull my ideas over for a couple of weeks before I sit down to write, and then I review and revise my articles many, many times. The total process of writing, revising, and posting typically takes about 20 hours.

Why do I spend so much time blogging? Originally, I had two reasons, but in the six years since I began, I realized two other benefits I hadn’t thought of.

Here are my two original reasons:

1.      I feel I have something to say. Over my decades knowing Jesus, God has brought me miles in my Christian walk as I have wrestled with hundreds of issues, both theological and practical. At the risk of being presumptuous, I feel these ideas are worth sharing.

2.      In today’s “Christian marketplace,” it’s easier to be taken seriously as a speaker and an author if you can point to numerous articles and followers.

I’ve only more recently recognized these other two reasons to keep writing:

1.      Great comments and feedback from readers. Duh! Why didn’t I see this coming? Blog posts often generate reader feedback, and I love hearing your reactions and suggestions. I appreciate every “like,” but the feedback I especially value comes from people I know personally when I know they don’t necessarily share all my views on faith.

I have always been a bridge-builder. Back in my college days, the Syracuse University chaplain hosted weekly Wednesday morning donut discussion breakfasts. The chaplain didn’t have a particularly high view of the Bible and didn’t believe that the only way to establish a relationship with God is through Jesus.

We had a regular pool about 15 attendees including a Buddhist, an agnostic, a New Age adherent, someone dabbling with the occult, and several other very interesting characters. I was the only one who identified as a Bible-believing Christian. But guess what? I very seldom quoted Bible verses, and I never made fiery statements condemning behavior the Bible speaks against. I understood the mindsets of the others and studiously avoided giving them cause to reinforce their negative stereotypes of Christians.

This is not to say I wimped out. I regularly referenced biblical principles and explained why certain behaviors are either inappropriate or unwise. I discussed clear biblical values, but I consciously avoided using religious jargon or reinforcing my fellow students’ unfavorable expectations.

It’s impossible to measure my comments’ impact, but I truly believe God used me to make inroads with people who probably had few other conversations with thoughtful Christians. Let me be clear. There are times to be very direct in our sharing of the gospel. However, when you have ongoing contact with people skeptical about Christianity, a more gentle and nuanced approach can be more effective.

I try to take a similar bridge-building approach with my blogposts. And based on feedback, I believe I am helping some people to rethink their views of Jesus.

2.      The benefits of the discipline of writing. Trying to be concise has forced me to crystallize my thoughts and consider if I am stating my case in a theologically precise and accurate way. This helps me clarify my sometimes-cloudy thoughts and arrive at fully developed conclusions I can thoroughly “own.” This creates the odd situation of ministering to myself with my own words when I face new challenges and get to remind myself of the conclusions I had previously written about.

Since I always like to offer my readers a couple of takeaways, here are two:

1.      Think through how you approach your spiritual conversations with people with whom you have ongoing contact.

2.      Consider committing your thoughts to writing, perhaps through journaling or even starting a blog. The process can help you solidify your own spiritual thoughts.

Leaning Into What You Hate

Fifteen years ago, I had the privilege of joining the Leadership Atlanta Class of 2007. About 70 elected officials, attorneys, health care leaders, judges, not-for-profit organization executives, and other leaders spent a year studying the challenges of Metro Atlanta and attempting to develop actionable solutions.

During one of our day-long sessions, we did a small group team-building exercises where we had to select one of us to crouch down on their knees – similar to the “duck and cover” position from the 1950s air raid drills – and then the rest of the group had to lift that person up, turn them head-over-heels, and return them safely to the ground. The only requirement was that everyone on the team had to have their hands on the person being flipped the whole time.

I immediately saw where this was going. Since about half the group was women, having eight or nine men touching them during the task was a non-starter. And two of the guys looked like they could have been linebackers in college, making them poor candidates to be lifted. So, all eyes immediately turned to the 145-pound, 5’8” guy – me.

Part of me hated the thought of being the “flipee,” but rather than arguing and risk alienating my colleagues, I agreed to be the “chosen one.”

As I crouched down and felt about 15 pairs of hands grab me, I thought, “Well here they go, lifting me up. Now they’re flipping me over, and now a see the ground getting closer, and now I’m back down.” The whole thing lasted about 10 seconds and was somewhat surreal, almost as if I were happening to someone else.

There were two reasons I was able to be so calm:  

·       I knew the group chose wisely

·       I knew that short of freaking out and refusing, I couldn’t wiggle out of the situation

When I accepted the Leadership Atlanta invitation, I agreed to abide by the group’s decisions, and them selecting me was part of the deal.

This “package deal” mentality plays into what I’ve taught about decision-making for years. When it comes to important decisions, after much prayer, thorough research, and input from reliable advisors, I have no choice but to conclude that whatever decision I feel God has led me to has “become” his will. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” Since he knowns about and is completely sovereign over all things, I can know that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING – both the good and the less-desirable – that flows from the decision is part of God’s will.

Lately, I’ve had to remind myself of this. As I reported a couple of months ago. God clearly led us to sell the Georgia house and move fulltime to our Wrightwood, CA house. Of that we have no doubt. But this has meant leaving a 27-year-long comfort zone and stepping into a whole new set of circumstances, most of which are great but some of which I hate.

There’s lots to love:  living near the kids, having a great set of neighbors, finding an awesome church, etc. But then there’s the other side. Our house is at the top of a steep hill on a private road that is not maintained. When it snows, the road becomes a toboggan run free-for-all. I’ve already experienced several white-knuckle descents. Additionally, both the California gas prices and taxes are crazy. But what I hate the most is not being able to regularly see my many Georgia friends. I wish we didn’t have to deal with these situations.

But guess what? We wouldn’t have to if God hadn’t led us here. But he did. So all the negatives are part of the “package deal,” and I can’t change any of it.

You shouldn’t judge the “rightness” of your decisions based on how positive or negative the subsequent circumstances turn out. Instead, you should interpret your circumstances in light of the fact that you have followed the Lord’s leading through the decision-making process.

Submitting to the Leadership Atlanta flipping exercise was the right thing to do. So was moving to Wrightwood. And just as I was able to lean into the flipping – and even to some extent enjoy it – so should I embrace our downhill ice slide and the other issues, recognizing them as part of the “package” God gave us. So instead of resenting the negatives, I can appreciate them for what they are and perhaps learn some things I didn’t even recognize I needed to learn.

How about you? If you are convinced God has you just where he wants you, are you able to accept and even celebrate the speed bumps in your path?

Is This How You Want to Be Remembered?

Aunt Martha was my mother’s sister’s husband’s sister. Did you follow that? Because she lived fairly far away, we didn’t see her all that often. She passed away many years ago, but here are the three things I remember about her:

• She was a big woman, both physically and personality-wise – the type you didn’t miss when she entered the room.

• ·She drove an early 1960s, fern green, boaty-floaty Chrysler Imperial with rounded tailfins.

• ·When her parents died, she manipulated things so that she cheated the rest of her family out of about $10,000.

The story goes that Aunt Martha took her mother to lunch one day in the late 1960s and on the way home stopped at an attorney’s office to have her mother change her will, making Aunt Martha the sole beneficiary of her estate. Aunt Martha’s brother exploded when he learned this, and he refused to ever speak to her again and forbade the rest of his family to have any contact with her.

Ten thousand dollars was a lot of money back then and would be equivalent to several times that today. I wonder what she did with that money and if she felt her unethical behavior was worth the cost to her relationships and reputation. I’m guessing her financial “mental model” focused almost entirely on trying to maximize money coming in, and she saw changing the will as a way to enhance that.

We often interpret an unanticipated bonus, a surprise birthday check, or an unforeseen class action settlement as a godsend. But God also blesses us by NOT allowing potentially bad things to happen. For example, that time your slammed on your brakes at 65 mph and just missed hitting the car in front of you by four inches could have easily ended in financial loss or, worse, personal injury. Did you acknowledge that as an example of God’s grace?

My point is that people like Aunt Martha can so focus on getting all they can – sometimes by unethical means – that they fail to see the bigger picture how God provides in other ways beyond the cash that makes its way to your checking account. And remember his blessings extend well beyond the monetary to include relationships, enjoyment of his creation, and countless other pleasures of life.

You should also acknowledge that it’s not just money that corrupts. Many people go to great lengths chasing power and prestige. There is nothing inherently wrong with money, power, or influence as long as you pursue them in healthy, appropriate ways. But there is a definite line you can cross when you drift into scheming and selfishness.

People who connive and maneuver for ill-gotten gain live as if God isn’t real. He wants his people to trust him, live in a way that reflects well on him, and bless others. Among the 12 characteristics of people who please God as recorded in Psalm 15 are those who:

• Have a blameless walk

• Do what is righteous

• Don’t wrong other people

• Keep their oaths even when it hurts

Unfortunately, when I think about Aunt Martha, I don’t think she lived that way.

How about you? How well do you live up to Psalm 15’s model?

An Unexpected Encounter with a Sideview Mirror

A couple of months ago while visiting our daughter Stephanie in Orange County, I went for an afternoon run that took me through the scenic Circle in downtown Old Towne Orange. Normally, runners run on the left side of the road to face oncoming traffic, but since I would only be in the Circle for one block before peeling off to a side street, I stayed to the right.

As I ran past a pickup truck that was parked a little further from the curb than necessary, I brushed against its oversized mirror and felt it crunch forward. “Uh-oh,” I thought. “I hope I didn’t bust the mirror.” I knew some sideview mirrors are designed to flip both backwards and forward, but I didn’t know if this one did.

Since I probably have OCD about data and stats, I didn’t want to turn around to check and wreck my running pace. Besides, I reasoned, I didn’t have a pen and paper to leave a note in case the mirror was broken. So, I kept running.

But the more I ran, the more uncomfortable I felt. If the mirror was indeed broken, wouldn’t it be wrong if I didn’t make things right? How would I feel if the tables were turned and it was my vehicle that was damaged and the perpetrator disappeared?  I started calculating how much the repair might cost and I decided I would pay for it from my personal “allowance” category in our family budget.

So, after I returned to Stephanie’s and took a quick shower, I grabbed a pen and paper so I could leave my contact information and tell the truck’s owner to forward any repair bill to me.

 I breathed a sigh of relief when I discovered that that particular truck model sported a fully foldable mirror. So, I popped it back into place and went on my way, relieved that I had done the right thing and that my allowance fund was intact.

In the three weeks following the “mirror incident,” I experienced an unexpected windfall and two separate events that could have resulted in significant financial losses but didn’t.

• I received a letter informing me of a class action settlement that will probably result in a $900 reimbursement for my car’s recent water pump repair.

• ·As I got a block away from the outdoor restaurant where I had a lunch appointment, I discovered my wallet wasn’t in my pocket. I ran back but couldn’t find it. Another diner saw my panic and just then noticed that the wallet had fallen from the table onto the ground. What a relief to retrieve it! Beside the possible loss of cash and credit cards, I would have had a massive task to replace my driver’s license and other important documents.

• After my workout at the gym later that week, I went to the little lockers by the front door where I always put my wallet and discovered that, since the front desk check-in guy had distracted me upon entering, I hadn’t actually set the lock. So it was unlocked the whole time I was at the gym. Anyone could have taken my wallet, but no one had.

Please note, I AM NOT SAYING GOD BLESSED ME IN THESE WAYS BEAUSE I DID THE RIGHT THING BY BEING WILLING TO PAY FOR THE MIRROR. I view the mirror incident and the three positive financial circumstances as somewhat independent everts. Putting it another way, God didn’t “owe” me a blessing because of my correct action about the mirror. These positive circumstances are probably more a reflection of his goodness and grace than a “repayment” for any good deed I might have done.

The bottom line is that we should do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing and not to try to earn God’s favor or try to put him in our debt.

One of the Nicest Things My Wife Ever Said to Me

My wife Annette taught middle school science for 19 years. Like many organizations, the schools she worked in were mostly populated by wonderful people but also had a sprinkling of “how-does-this-person-keep-their-job” types. One individual in particular who seemed unusually difficult was one of her assistant principals. He consistently exhibited less common sense than most of the middle school students. Plus, he repeatedly failed to support the teachers, making their jobs much harder.

During one of our home Bible Studies, Annette was describing his latest foolish idea. Misbehaving students are often required to spend several days in the In-School Suspension (ISS) room as punishment. Annette explained that Mr. Brain Trust suggested the school buy a ping pong table for the ISS room so students would have something to do while in detention.

Think about that. An unmotivated student is bored in class, so he decides to act up in order to hone his ping pong skills. Great plan!

As Annette was explaining this idiotic proposal, she said, “Even though he has come up with dumb ideas in the past, this was the absolute stupidest thing he ever suggested. And it made me mad that he was pushing a plan that would make it harder for me to teach effectively. I don’t think I’ve ever been as mad at any adult in my entire life.” And then she added as she looked at me, “Well, . . . except you!”

The Bible Study group erupted into laughter, and I loved it! That’s one of the nicest things she ever said to me. It showed she is secure enough in our marriage that she has the freedom to express anger to me knowing I’m not going anywhere. And it’s reciprocal. I’ve been known to send some angry words in her direction. But early in our marriage, at Annette’s suggestion, we agreed we would never utter the word “divorce,” even in jest.

No relationship is stress-free, and, of course, negative comments should be few and far-between. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul encourages us to deal with conflict quickly and “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Marriages or friendships built on mutual love, commitment, trust, and honesty can withstand minor “skirmishes.” Annette and I are both strong-willed and opinionated. And, believe it or not, I have sometimes been known to be stubborn and difficult to live with. But part of the reason we can express our occasional frustration with each other is that we have a baseline, unshakable commitment to never go away.

In the past, I’ve written about some of the difficult individuals in my family of origin. Having people like that in your life creates challenges when it comes to buying greeting cards for “personal” holidays like birthdays, Fathers’ Day or Mothers’ Day. Sending a sentiment like “you’re the glue that holds our family together” or “thank you for always caring” would be disingenuous. And some of the people I’m thinking about have no sense of humor, so the funny cards don’t work. That leaves me with the “enjoy your special day” type cards. Pretty bland.

I was pleased by the dilemma I faced this last Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t decide between two equally “warm” cards. Each expressed a sentiment I genuinely felt toward Annette. So, instead of choosing between the two, I got them both.

Annette recently came up with a great life-saying: 

“Be the kind of person it’s easy to buy a greeting card for.”

She embodies that! Part of what goes into being that type of person is a solid commitment to the important people in your life and a willingness to receive occasional negative feedback. If you live like this saying suggests, I suspect the people who are closest to you are secure enough in your relationship that they’re not afraid to be angry with you when you deserve it.

And for the record, I agreed that the ping pong table idea was idiotic.

What If Moses Wasn’t Necessarily the Most Faithful Person of His Era?

How’s that for a provocative title for my post? Let me be completely clear that, as, leader of Israel’s exodus from Egypt, recipient of the Ten Commandments, and author of the Bible’s first five books, Moses was clearly a supremely godly man. I in no way want to diminish his standing as one of the great men of the faith.

However, beyond the “known” heroes of the Bible, God has always had a multitude of other committed people even in darkest of times. Remember how, centuries after Moses, Elijah was in the depths of despair, thinking he was God’s only genuine follower in all Israel. But God revealed to him that there were 7,000 others who had not bent their knees to false idols (1 Kings 19). We know absolutely nothing about these 7,000 beyond the fact that God knew their hearts and that they remained true to him.

Similarly, we can assume there were many devoted “ordinary” Jewish people during the entire 430 years of Israel’s captivity in Egypt. I may be going out on a limb here, but I believe there could have been people in the generation immediately preceding Moses who loved God as much as Moses did. But one reason God didn’t tap them for the leadership role may have been because he wasn’t ready to move. When the time was right, he needed someone to lead the charge, and Moses was his man.

Expanding on this thought, perhaps there were truly godly people who died the very day before Moses first approached Pharoah to set the Exodus in motion. If that was the case, these people had no idea of the miracle that was about to unfold. But that didn’t mean God wasn’t pleased with them.

My point is that one reason we know about Moses is that he was the right man used by God at just the right time in history. The fact that others are totally unknown to us may be more a reflection of God’s timetable than it was of their “worthiness.” God had absolute discretion to use them – or not use them – as he saw fit. Their job was merely to be faithful. Whether they became channels for God’s mighty power was totally up to God. We tend to think the more holy someone is, the more God will bless and use them in spectacular ways. This isn’t necessarily so.

This concept has relevance for two groups:

1. “Ordinary” Christians who faithfully and quietly follow and serve God in their daily lives. The overwhelming majority will remain unknown to history. However, God may use them to touch others – perhaps just one – which, in turn, could ripple forward, changing hundreds or thousands of lives. So, don’t underestimate the potential impact you are having as a diaper-changing mom, a tenth grade boys’ youth group leader, or a diligent employee faithfully and appropriately radiating Jesus in the workplace. Who knows what eternal impact your efforts will yield!

2. Pastors or authors who labor year after year and never see the huge numbers or bright spotlight that some “celebrity” ministers or writers enjoy. I remember hearing about a missionary family that ministered for decades in Japan – one of the toughest “mission fields’” in the world – with virtually no changed lives to spotlight. Does that mean they didn’t measure up or missed God’s calling? Not necessarily. They did what God led them to do, and that’s what count. Pleasing him is measured by someone’s heart and diligence, not by statistics.

We need to redefine “success” as faithfully carrying out the role and tasks God has placed before you and leaving the results – no matter how big or small – to God. Although a very few may be like Moses, many will be more like the unknown 7,000, but all can be pleasing to God.

Does This Guy Really Sin Every 20 Seconds?

“I always start the day telling the Lord I want to serve him that day, but I end up sinning 1,000 times before lunch.”

So said one of the guys at a recent men’s group meeting. I quickly did some mental math. Let’s see, if he wakes up at 6:00 and has lunch at 12:00, that’s six hours. A thousand sins divided by six hours comes out to about three sins a minute. I felt like asking him, “In a typical day, how many online accounts do you hack, how many women do you assault, how many drug deals do you do? You must be a busy guy!”

Of course, he didn’t mean the “sin a thousand times” thing literally. He was just acknowledging the fact that he fails to live up to the lifestyle described in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus’ magnificent message which has a couple of purposes:

1.       Painting a portrait of what life in God’s kingdom will be like

2.       Revealing that absolutely no one can live up to God’s standards

Although I appreciated this gentleman’s humility, I’m not sure his sentiment is the most helpful way to look at yourself, partly because of its assumption about sin’s definition. Theologically, sin is a condition we are all born into and in which we remain until we recognize our guilt before God and turn to Jesus and accept the forgiveness he offers through his death in our place. At that point, we are spiritually reborn, and God views us as perfect as Jesus is. One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:1 – “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.” In case you missed it:  there is no condemnation. None.

Of course, we will continue in our state of imperfection until we meet Jesus face to face. Except for Jesus, no one in history – not any of the apostles, not Mother Theresa, not Billy Graham – ever lived a perfect life. The men’s group gentleman was appropriately acknowledging that he’s flawed. But there is a difference between not being perfect, being tempted, and sinning. As Martin Luther famously said, “You cannot prevent the birds from flying in the air over your head, but you can certainly prevent them from building a nest in your hair.” Everyone is tempted, including Jesus himself. But being tempted is not the same as sinning. Neither is being imperfect.

This may not be a theologically “perfect” explanation, but from a practical standpoint you sin when you choose to sin. All Christians have the Holy Spirit living inside us. And he acts as a “governor,” showing you behavioral lines (defined by what the Bible teaches) that you shouldn’t cross. There comes a moment when you can choose to resist the Holy Spirit’s warning. That’s when you sin, either through a sin of commission (when you specifically act in a wrong way) or a sin of omission (where you fail to do something you should do). I don’t think you can sin without knowing it. You sin when you make a wrong choice.

But don’t forget this additional critical fact:  even when you do sin, God still sees Christ’s perfection in you instead of your sin. As John says in his first letter, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:19, NIV).

So, as much as I appreciated the men’s group gentlemen’s humility, I don’t think characterizing his life that way is the best place to “live.”  It all comes down to a “glass-half-empty” vs. “glass-half-full” perspective. Or to think of it another way, instead of dwelling on the fact that you’re a sinner saved by grace, you should acknowledge your spiritual growth and think of yourself as a saint who sometimes sins. Although Paul called himself the chief of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15) he also says, “I focus on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” (Philippians 3:13-14, NLT). He also declares, “Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old is gone; a new life has begun” (2 Corinthians 5:17, NLT). This perspective is a much better default than the “sin-1,000-a-day” attitude.

Part 2 - “What’s Your Definition of Legalism?"

Last time, I identified three aspects of legalism as any practice or activity that:

1. God has used in my life which I then expect other believers to follow

2. I feel compelled to do to enhance my relationship with God and which, if I don’t do, will jeopardize my standing with him

3. Fans my spiritual pride or causes me to look down upon those who are less “spiritual’

And I promised to amplify these thoughts this time with comments on how misunderstanding context and culture or misreading Scripture can make the legalism problem worse. This happens in at least four ways:

1. Elevating “non-essential” doctrines or opinions to the level of undeniable truth and judging other Christians who disagree.

Theologians often categorize Christian beliefs into three levels:

• Level 1 – Things over which there can be no compromise, such as the Trinity, Jesus’ deity, his virgin birth, the fact that his death and physical resurrection are the only provision for forgiveness of sin, and the recognition that Christians should be baptized and participate in communion.

• Level 2 – Doctrinal differences of opinion, such as the appropriate age for baptism (infancy or adulthood), the mechanics of baptism (sprinkling or full immersion), the frequency of communion (weekly, quarterly or “whenever”), or the “theology” of communion (whether Jesus is physically present in the bread and wine, whether he is spiritually present, or whether they are just symbolic elements). These are issues around which denominations appropriately form.

• Level 3 – Opinions, such as whether it’s OK for a Christian to buy a Lamborghini, what type of music is best for worship, or whether a church should go into debt over a building program. Although Scripture contains helpful principles to think these things through, there are no verses giving specific answers.

It’s perfectly fine to develop strong theological positions. However, they become problematic when you insist that every Christian agree with you on every point. When people “sanctify” their Level 3 views on clothing, hair styles, music preferences, etc., legalism thrives. In their terrific book How to Read the Bible for All It’s Worth, Gordon Fee and Doug Stewart observe:  “ . . . there is no such thing as a divinely ordained culture” (page 85).

2. Getting so caught up in defining every last possible sin that your distinctions become laughable:

• Some Christian groups prohibit going to the movies “because you are supporting the evil Hollywood movie industry.” However, they allow watching the same movies once they hit TV. Really?

• Some who forbid all alcohol say you shouldn’t even drink a Coke at a social event because “how does an observer know you don’t have rum in your Coke?” Water is the drink of choice. To that I would ask, “How does an observer know that it’s really water and not vodka?”

• Writer Phillip Yancey recalls during his school years walking the halls of his Bible college – which forbade facial hair on male students – seeing portraits of renowned professors and school leaders from bygone eras sporting full beards.

3. Applying some New Testament commands literally while ignoring others and judging Christians who don’t obey the ones you latch onto. For example, based on Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 14:34 (“Women should remain silent in the churches”) in some Christian circles, women are not allowed to hold pastoral roles that involve public speaking. However, since Paul also penned 1 Timothy 2:9, to be consistent, these same people should forbid women from wearing expensive clothing, gold or pearl adornments, or elaborate hairstyles. I have never seen “jewelry police” at the sanctuary door. Furthermore, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:13 that it’s improper for a woman to pray with her head uncovered. Very few Protestant churches require this.

Ironically, in the late 1960s, when “hippie culture” was beginning to flourish, many of the same Christians who ignored 1 Corinthians 11:13 about women covering their heads while praying invoked the very next verse (“If a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him”) as “proof” that God condemns long hair on men.

Other practices which Paul presents as commands, but which are often ignored include:

• Drinking a little wine for the stomach – Some ban all alcohol.

• Greeting each other with a holy kiss – Pretty much unheard-of in Western churches.

• Not prohibiting speaking in tongues – Some denominations forbid this practice. 

4. Basing some prohibitions on a misreading or misapplication of Scripture. I ran into this as a newbie when I heard an older Christian admonish a mutual friend to put down his beer. “You’re making me stumble,” he said, invoking Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 14. If you flip to that passage, you will see Paul is discussing a particular practice – eating food that had been previously sacrificed to a pagan idol – and concludes that, although there is nothing inherently wrong with that action, a newer and “weaker” Christian could become confused by seeing such behavior and stumble in his faith. Ironically, rather than identifying as the “weaker” Christian, the person urging our friend to not drink “because it will make me stumble” is implicitly claiming the high spiritual ground.

These four factors play into the discussion of legalism in my last post and make the problem worse.

I am not in any way implying that the Bible is not helpful for teaching us how to behave, but we must carefully understand the context of these instructions so we don’t come up with questionable or inconsistent applications. And I am certainly not saying that, when it comes to our actions as Christians, “anything goes.” We are to pursue holy lives that honor God, but we should not do so in ways that elevates certain applications of biblical principles to absolute truths when there may be other equally valid ways to follow those principles.  

What do you think?

"What's Your Definition of Legalism?"

My last blog post on my least favorite sermon prompted an old friend to ask what my definition of legalism is. This is an important question, and I decided to change my line-up of future blog posts to answer it. This week, I present three categories of attitudes or actions I consider legalistic, and next time I’ll comment on how misunderstanding culture and context compounds the problem.

Let me start with the most charitable of the categories of legalism.

!. Any practice or activity God has used in my life which I then expect other believers to follow – One of life’s greatest joys is experiencing the blessing of God transforming some area of your life.

One cause of legalism is the well-intentioned desire to see God work in others’ lives just as he has in yours. For example, someone whom God has rescued from alcoholism fully comprehends its danger. So, out of a legitimate concern for others’ well-being, some insist that no believer should consume alcohol – ever. But not everyone who drinks an occasional beer is destined for Skid Row.

There is certainly room for personally abstaining but not for forbidding all Christians worldwide from drinking. Not consuming in front of someone who might have a drinking problem shows Christian charity. And people who have had direct experiences with addicted friends or family may decide not to drink because they have personally witnessed alcoholism’s devastation. I have a friend who holds this view but doesn’t judge Christians who drink.

Legalists are not so generous and often force on others their views on this or dozens of other issues.

2. Any practice or activity I feel compelled to do to enhance my relationship with God and which, if I don’t do, will jeopardize my standing with him – This trap is very subtle. Spiritual disciplines such as reading scripture, praying, helping others, and sharing your faith are all important, can help you grow in your relationship with Jesus, and should be encouraged.

Christians fully understand that we can do nothing to earn God’s forgiveness. However, after their initial salvation experience, some revert to a performance mentality, working to maintain God’s approval. Clearly, your behavior matters, and God wants you to live a holy life. But it becomes dangerous when you turn the spiritual disciplines into a slavish list of mandates and lifeless drudgery where, if – for example – you miss a day of Bible reading, you assume God disapproves of you.

I succumbed to this snare early in my Christian life. For the three summers between my college years, I worked at a wonderful 4-H summer camp at the far eastern end of Long Island. After my first season, God touched my life, and I trusted Christ to forgive my sins. During my second year, I was vocal about how wonderful it is to know Jesus. But apparently my behavior didn’t quite match my words. At the end-of-the-summer counselors’ banquet where we gave each other funny awards, I got a “Practice What You Preach” certificate signed by Jesus Christ himself. Ouch! Apparently, my behavior wasn’t quite up to snuff.

So, I vowed to do better my third summer and committed to thinking about God as continuously as possible:  while interacting with the kids, while meeting with other counselors, while teaching electricity classes, while cleaning the washhouse toilets, etc. If I realized I hadn’t thought about God in the previous ten minutes, I would confess that “sin” and promise to do better.

This certainly was not the easy yoke or the light burden Jesus talks about in Matthew 11:28-30. My obsessive thought practice lasted for about two days before I realized it was sucking the life out me.

This is a great example of self-imposed legalism.

3. Any practice or activity that fans my spiritual pride or causes me to look down upon those who are less “spiritual’ – This, of course, is the older brother’s problem in the Prodigal Son parable. Enough said.

So, there you have it:  three aspects of legalism. But wait . . . there’s more! There are also cultural overtones that can play into this syndrome. Next time I will discuss four other elements that can compound the legalism problem.

You’re in the Bible Even if You Don’t Realize It

According to The Biographical Bible, there are 3,237 named characters in the Bible. The mentions range from just names in genealogical lists to detailed, fully developed portraits.

Recently, our pastor challenged us to find ourselves in the Bible. “Which character’s story,” he asked, “most closely resembles yours?” The goal was not to identify who we want to be. Otherwise, most guys would gravitate toward David, Peter or one of the other impressive heroes. Instead, he asked us to decide whose story and circumstances most closely parallel ours.

I would like to pass this challenge along to you. With hundreds of people to pick from, you can almost certainly find at least one character with a story similar to yours.

Rather than just including its major characters’ triumphs, the Bible is surprisingly candid about their flaws:

• Although Abraham was a great man of faith, he was also a coward who twice tried to pass his wife off as his sister to avoid possible danger from hostile rulers (Genesis12 and 20)

• David was a triumphant warrior, an inspiring leader, and a gifted poet but also an adulterer, a murderer, and a terrible dad.

• Despite his impressive leadership skills, Peter also had the habit of speaking and acting well before thinking.

Some of the Bible’s less prominent individuals showed great strength and faithfulness:

• Boaz (who ended up marrying the destitute Ruth), was a man of great integrity (Book of Ruth).

• ·The prophet Hosea was willing to follow God’s instructions to marry a prostitute to illustrate God’s willingness to reclaim the wayward people of Israel (Book of Hosea).

• ·The unnamed Centurion who recognized that Jesus could heal his servant without even being physically present received Jesus’ commendation (Matthew 8).

Other characters were less admirable:

• Achan sinned by secretly stealing some of the bounty after the conquest of Jericho, violating God’s specific instructions (Joshua 7).

• The prodigal son represents those who openly disregard God’s standards (Luke 15).

• The prodigal’s older brother parallels the Pharisees’ rigid and graceless legalism.

So how about it? Which Bible character’s story most closely matches yours? And beyond just identifying your “spiritual doppelganger,” what lessons or insights you can learn from their circumstances and reactions. Did they turn to God? Did they act irresponsibly? Was their life changed for the positive?

How about you? How have you handled your circumstances?

For the record, my Bible “twin” is the man by the pool of Bethesda who was disabled for 38 years and who Jesus singled out for healing (John 5). There were many others present with great needs too. But for some reason, Jesus walked past them all and restored just the one man sitting by himself in the corner, leaving everyone else with their problems. Why did he select that man and no one else?

His story is a lot like mine. Faith was almost entirely absent from my upbringing. In fact, there was great indifference and even some hostility toward the church and Jesus’ claim to be the only way to God. I was also subjected to considerable emotional abuse by mentally ill people. Bottom line:  there was virtually nothing in my background to predict that Jesus would change my life by singling me out and rescuing me from my depressingly dysfunctional circumstances.

In one of my favorite scenes from the awesome streaming TV series The Chosen, Simon the Zealot offers his allegiance and service to Jesus. Of course, Jesus accepts. But listen to what he tells Simon: “I have everything I need, but I wanted you.” I love that! Jesus wanted Simon, and he wanted me. He bypassed all kinds of people in my family and circle of friends to “get” me. I don’t understand why or take any credit for it, but I am eternally grateful.

I would love it if you would let me know who your spiritual doppelganger is, why you identify with them, and what you have learned from their story.

How Should You Respond to Past Mistakes and “Non-Moral” Lapses?

Mistakes, regrets, things we’d do differently if we could. We all have them. I’m not talking about major transgressions like broking the law, intentionally hurting someone, or consciously sinning. Instead, I’m referring to things we did out of ignorance, immaturity, or poor judgment. Everyone agrees that we should always keep growing. That implies that you know more about life now than you did ten years ago and that you will probably know more ten years from now than you do today.

From time to time, a particular situation triggers memories of past actions I now regret. Like my habit in middle school of loudly commenting on my “superior” grades every time the teacher returned our tests. Or the time I embarrassed my brother in front of his classmates by publicly offering to sit next to the unpopular girl he refused to talk to. Or the time I failed to bring a Christmas gift for the family that invited me to spend the holiday with them. Or the time I inadvertently insulted my hostess by commenting that the gravy helped make her roast less dry.

None of these were mortal sins, but they do reflect my self-absorption or level of relative immaturity at the time.

Some individuals can blow these memories off. But I’ve talked to enough people to know that many folks are wired like I am and are momentarily immobilized in a cloud of shame and mild self-condemnation by this type of recollection.

Here are some thoughts about how to deal with these fleeting negative episodes.

First and foremost, remember where many of them come from. The Bible teaches that, among his many other evil activities, Satan loves to accuse Christians (Rev. 12:10). Whenever I experience these moments of regret, I have learned to remind myself that because I am a Christian, God has completely forgiven me and no longer condemns me (Romans 8:1). That doesn’t mean that these actions were OK or that there might not be unpleasant consequences. But it helps to conclude that of God doesn’t condemn me, neither should I.

Next, realize that the fact you now recognize your prior action was a mistake means that the “current you” has learned and grown. You’re not the “you” you were when you made the blunder. So, live in the present and move on now that you know better.

And finally think about how you would react if you saw someone you liked inadvertently committing whatever transgression you’re kicking yourself for. Whenever I observe a friend’s momentary lapse, I assume they are not intentionally committing a foul. Instead, I know they’re most likely acting out of ignorance or inexperience, and it’s easy to grant them grace. Take this attitude and apply it to yourself. If you wouldn’t “condemn” your friend for their poor judgment, neither should you condemn yourself.

Like I said, not everyone has the tendency toward self-criticism, but if you do, following these suggestions can be truly liberating. I sincerely hope they help free you from any paralyzing thoughts about yourself you may sometimes have.

When Is Grace Not Grace?

“Oh, now I get it!” I was mowing the lawn at my mom’s house after my college sophomore year, mulling over a particular Bible passage, Ephesians 2:8-9.

For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (ESV).

That previous November I had recognized the reality of Jesus’ deity and the fact that he died to take care of my separation from God caused by my sin. Over the next few months, my understanding of the Christian life grew, and now I finally grasped the fact that I really didn’t have anything to brag about because I believed in Jesus. Even that belief was a gift from God and an expression of his grace. I certainly hadn’t earned it.

Christians who take the Bible seriously are big on the concept of grace. But I’ve noticed a disconnect for many when it comes to experiencing grace on a day-to-day basis. For some, grace seems to be primarily a “past tense” and theological concept. What I mean is that they fully recognize that their behavior didn’t earn their initial standing with God, and they often point to a moment when they trusted Christ to forgive their sins. That part of grace they get. But for some, grace seems to be frozen in the past.

The problem with the “backward-looking” view of grace is that it often crowds out a “present tense” understanding of the concept.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading Paul’s letter to the church in Galatia. His primary message was that they were messing up by thinking they had to follow the Jewish law in order to be good Christians. No, says Paul. As good as the law is, no one is saved by following its requirements. It’s all God’s grace. Verse 2:21:  “If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping then Christ died unnecessarily (The Message).

Unfortunately, I have seen a number of churches and ministries with “grace” in their names, but which exhibit anything but. This shows itself in two ways:

• In what they expect of Christians – Leadership often places overly strict behavioral standards on themselves and their followers. This guilt-inducing legalism is tragically reminiscent of what Paul preaches against in his Galatian letter and what Jesus so thoroughly denounces in the Pharisees.

• In how they view “outsiders” – They can develop harsh attitudes toward people who don’t agree with their theology or behavioral expectations. This lack of empathy often creates pushback against Christians. Sadly, among the first words millennials use to describe the church are “judgmental” “homophobic,” and “hypocritical.”

Another way of describing this dynamic is that Christians with a “past tense” sense of grace often fail to manifest grace to themselves, their followers, or outsiders. How tragically opposite this is from Jesus’ command to love God and love our neighbors.

Let me be clear. Our behavior does matter. Christians are called to holy living. And Christians do have a legitimate role in public policy debates.  We must never jettison God’s standards in order to conform to a watered-down, new age concept of love. Jesus, of course, perfectly modeled the right balance. He graciously received and forgave the women caught in adultery but went on to instruct her to leave her life of sin (John 7).

As we urge conforming to God’s requirements, we must do so in a way that reflects his ongoing grace for every individual. Otherwise, we gut the word “grace” of its meaning.

Let’s neither throw out the truths surrounding God’s holiness nor try to bludgeon our way into making people behave as we think they should.

Do These Three Things, and You’ll Be Guaranteed Success

About a year ago, I heard a radio interview with former WNBA player and coach Nancy Lieberman in which she recounted an exhibition one-on-one game she played against basketball legend Michael Jordan. Anyone with any sense would be apprehensive about going up against the GOAT. And Nancy was.

Predictably, she got buried. But she emerged feeling successful. Why? Because, rather than shrinking from the challenge, she faced her perfectly understandable fear head-on and did her best even though she lost. As a result, she was able to hold her head high.

Her interview reminded me of a concept I learned on Cru staff many years ago. Athletes in Action (the athletic arm of the ministry) circulated a concept called “Total Release.” AIA’s various teams compete against top collegiate teams, and in the context of those games, they typically have the chance to share about how Jesus has changed their lives and encourage their audiences to consider their own relationships with God.

As top athletes, they of course want to win. But guess what? Sometimes they don’t Does that mean they have failed? Total Release teaches that the sole way you measure success is whether or not you did your absolute best regarding both preparation and execution. Sometimes the scoreboard reflects the desired outcome, and sometimes it doesn’t. But even if you lose the game, you have been successful if you brought everything to the game.

In that spirit, let me offer my three steps that guarantee success.

1.     Set Your Goal at the Right Level – What are you really after? Of course, we’d all love to win the tennis match, get the promotion, or make the big sale. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But things don’t always turn out the way you want. And it’s often through failure and adversity – as difficult as that may be – that you learn and grow. The “loss” can actually be to your benefit if you let it build your character.

So, if you define success as whatever will do the most to enhance your character, you will even be able to appreciate “defeat.” And as Christians, we can take this one step further by defining success as doing our best to respond to God’s will for us, the best we know it.

2.     Do Absolutely Everything You Can to Prepare – AIA teams don’t win without personal preparation and hard work. Musicians mess up if they haven’t devoted hours mastering their instruments. Moms may be at a loss in trying to help their struggling students without thoroughly researching learning challenges and alternatives. Your desired outcome seldom comes without considerable effort.

3.     Leave the Results to God – If you have set your goal at the appropriate level – i.e., to always seek to honor God in everything you do even if your “lower level” objective is not reached – and you have done all within your power to accomplish the task at hand, you have succeeded if you can thank God for results, even if they’re not what you worked toward.

I hope you don’t see the headline of this article as a “bait and switch.” I advertised “guaranteed success.” That almost implies promising the ideal outcome for the specific venture in front of you. But then I changed the conversation by redefining success as pursuing things that develop character and honor God. I wish I could assure all your quests would turn out the way you want. I can’t. But, if you think about it, I hope you’ll agree that becoming the person God wants you to be far outweighs achievement of other very important – but lesser – goals.

A SECOND Suggestion to Help You Worry Less

The timing of the January 30, 2021 Brewster Rocket:  Space Guy! cartoon strip was perfect for this, my second post about worrying.

Panel 1

Young boy:  I look up my symptoms online because I worry about everything!

Young girl:  Ever worry that all that worrying could give you an ulcer?

Panel 2

(They both look at each other, silently.)

Panel 3

Young boy:  (Slightly annoyed, with hands on hips) Well, I will now!

Young girl:  Sorry.

That sums up where many of us live when it comes to worrying. We worry, and then we worry about worrying.

Last time, I suggested you address this issue by doing some rough estimates of the realistic likelihood of the calamity you fear actually happening. In most cases, the odds of the terrible outcome may be far less than the likelihood that your suitcase will be the very first one onto the airport conveyor belt after a packed flight.

This week, I have another suggestion.

Years ago, I found myself fretting about seemingly everything in my life, and I wondered how rooted in reality my anxiety was. So, I decided I would keep a list of every single thing I worried about for a whole week. At the end of the experiment, my list sported more than two dozen items. Most were either pretty trivial or rather far-fetched:

• “Did I really lock the door when I left the house this morning?” – Turns out I had.

• “Was it a mistake to leave that bill payment out in our mailbox for the postman to collect? What of someone steals it?” – No one did.

• “This is the second headache I’ve had this week. Any chance it could be a brain tumor?” – To this day, I have no scars on my skull, so, no. No tumor.

A couple of items were more serious. My wife Annette was about seven months into her second pregnancy, and she told me she hadn’t felt the baby move in a few days. Now that is cause for concern.

At week’s end, I reviewed my list and realized only one or two of the things I had stewed over had actually happened, and they were very minor. (Thankfully, the baby was fine, and we welcomed Stephanie into this world a few weeks later.)

Realizing how much emotional energy I had expended being troubled about dozens of things that never happened helped me rethink my posture toward worry. A good rule of thumb is that if a potential problem isn’t serious enough to ask a friend to pray with you about, it probably isn’t worth worrying over either. (Of course, we never really should worry about anything.)

My best friend Billy Burke has the amazing ability to lay his head on his pillow at night and go right to sleep even in the midst of the most troubling circumstances. “Worrying isn’t going to fix anything, so why add to my problems by depriving myself of sleep?”

And another element to factor in is God’s character – the combination of his sovereignty over absolutely everything, his lavish love for you, and his wisdom in knowing what you truly need (which is often different from what you want). As hard as it is, we must view every circumstance – especially the troubling ones – through this three-fold understanding of God’s nature. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do your part to address the issues before you. Of course you should. But try training yourself to view all your challenges through this lens of God’s trustworthiness.

And maybe – just maybe – you should try the “worry list” experiment yourself to see if your natural pattern matches mine.

A Great Idea to Help You Worry Less

To be human is to worry. Even the most optimistic people occasionally obsess over bad things that could possibly happen. I believe it was pastor Tony Evans who identified the important difference between concern and worry when he observed that I control concern, but worry controls me. He’s absolutely right!

I’ve spent more than my allotted time worrying, but I’ve also learned a couple of approaches that have helped me tame the worry beast. I will share one this week and another one in my next blog.

Absolutely everything in life carries at least some level of risk. Believe it or not, there is actually a clinical medical code (ICD-10 V91.07x) for a doctor to report burns caused by someone’s water skis catching fire. Think about that for a minute.

It’s easy to catastrophize the future and rush emotionally toward worst-case outcomes. One way to counter this is to analyze your situation and try to assess the true likelihood of the bad outcome materializing. Let me show you how this can work.

A few years ago, I was talking with a couple considering a trip to London. At the time, the city had just experienced its third terroristic bombing within about six months, causing the couple to reconsider their trip.

Let’s look at the situation more closely. Assume a pessimistic scenario where London would suffer one bombing a month (twice the then-current rate). That means that any given day has a 3.3% likelihood of an incident. If this couple’s trip lasted six days, statistically, they would have about a 20% chance of being in London on the day a bomb went off. The odds against being involved are clearly in their favor.

At 607 square miles, London is pretty big. Of course, bombers would attack high-traffic areas, but even it if only 10% is high traffic, that’s still 60 square miles – a pretty big area. In order to be directly affected when the bomb went off, our couple would visit the exact spot – within a few dozen yards of the bomb – inside the 60 square mile area. It’s hard to estimate, but the chances of them being at precisely the wrong location on the wrong day are very low.

Then you have to consider exact timing. Bombings happen in an instant. Terrorists would probably select a high-volume time, say between 10:00 a.m. and 10:00 p.m. – a period consisting of 720 minutes. So, there is only a 1 in 720 chance (slightly more than 0.1%) that they would be there the exact minute the bomb went off.  

It’s impossible to do a precise mathematical calculation of their risk, but thinking through the odds this way can yield an “order of magnitude” risk assessment and put the possibility of danger in perspective. In order for them to be harmed, they would have to be in the exact wrong place on the exact wrong day at the exact wrong instant. Is that possible? Sure. It’s also possible my skis will catch fire next time I go water skiing.

Anyone who has ever seen a University of Michigan football game at Michigan Stadium (“The Big House”) is overwhelmed by sheer capacity –109,901 fans – of the largest collegiate stadium in the country. Years ago while attending a game there, I remember thinking through the odds of a terrible outcome I feared and concluding that the likelihood of it happening would be about the same as me being the winner of one of three $100 gift cards given at random to someone in the packed Michigan Stadium. Seeing the sea of people in front of me help put me at ease, realizing how astronomically low the probability was. And, by the way, the dreaded thing never did happen.

Of course, there is always a chance of bad outcomes, but sitting down and actually thinking about the probability typically “defangs” the worry monster.

Next time, I’ll share another approach that has also helped me enormously. Stay tuned.

Part of the 109,901-fan crowd

One of the Best Relationship Suggestions I’ve Heard in a Long Time

Note:  This article, first posted in February 2019, is one of my favorites. I thought it would provide a very positive suggestion as we start 2021.

On a recent Focus on the Family radio broadcast, marriage counselor Dave Carder suggested an intriguing communication exercise for couples. Every morning for 30 days, he suggested, each of you should write down something you like about your spouse, and then share it with him or her at the end of the day.

My immediate thought was, “Great idea, but 30 seems like a lot. I certainly like lots of things about my wife, but 30 might be a stretch.” When I shared this idea with Annette, she suggested an alternative. “What if we modify it to 20 things I like about you, and 10 things about you that drive me crazy? Maybe we could do two days on, one day off.” (Her reaction reflected #25 on my list of things I like about her:  her sense of humor.)

We went ahead with this exercise, and I must say it’s been one of the best things we’ve ever done. I found myself thinking all day about both what I had written for that day – looking forward to sharing it – and pondering what I would say the next. Spending a month thinking about all the things you like about your wife is an awesome experience!

Midway through the month, I started to fear I might “run dry.” Then I realized I could “buy” several days if I started listing things she is not:  she is not high maintenance; she is not a gossip; she is not a troublemaker; she is not a “shopper.” (I know this last one makes me the envy of half the men in the country.)

Perhaps the most interesting aspect was how surprised we were by some of the items the other person listed. After being married for 38 years, I heard Annette verbalize some positive things about me that had never even occurred to me.

And it turns out that the most surprising thing she said about me didn’t show up until the very last day when she told me I don’t have a mean bone in my body. She said she has never seen me do anything to intentionally harm anyone. I pushed back a bit and reminded her to the many times I would complain – occasionally bitterly – about some of the jerks in my life. She agreed that I have honed that particular skill pretty well, but she went on to point out that, despite my negative feelings, she has never seen me take action to hurt them. I had never thought of that. What an encouraging observation from the person who knows me better than anyone else!

Interestingly, my #30 comment about her was also an obvious one that I’m surprised I hadn’t tagged sooner – the fact that she feels secure enough in our marriage to be able to express her anger toward me knowing it wouldn’t kill our relationship. I’m thrilled she feels that safe.

And it turns out we didn’t have to worry about running out of ideas. We each even came up with one or two “bonus” items, beyond the 30.

So, I highly recommend this exercise. Give it a try!  By the way, you can also do this with your kids or anyone else. Tell them one thing you like about them every day for 30 days.

Two Dramatic Answers to Prayer in the Context of Hundreds of Unanswered Ones

Last time, I told the incredible story of how the Lord led us to buy a vacation house in the San Gabriel Mountains during the California Bobcat wildfire, which came within six miles of the house. The bottom line of that blog was that once God makes his will clear, we should joyously follow it even if some downstream circumstances prove tragic. As a reminder, our house did not burn down.

But there is another lesson from this event. As I explained last time, for years Annette and I had been

praying about and researching ways to have more direct involvement in our kids’ and grandkids’ lives despite being 2,100 miles away. Nothing made sense. And then one Monday in August, we learned about this great vacation house that made everything fall into place. We put an offer in that Friday, and it was accepted the following Monday.

About the same time, our son-in-law Rosty experienced an equally incredible eight-day dramatic answer to prayer. His law firm was experiencing great stress:  the two senior partners were retiring, it lost its major client, and its overall sector was declining. These dynamics required considerable retraction and downsizing. Rosty saw the handwriting on the wall and began exploring other possibilities. Unfortunately, his segment of law is rather narrow, and due to family needs, he had to confine his job search to the Los Angeles area. Opportunities were hard to come by, and none of us were optimistic.

Then on a Monday, also in August, he saw an online ad for an associate’s position at a dynamic law firm in nearby Irvine. It was a longshot. Despite his solid years of experience, he had no experience in this new firm’s practice areas. Of course, Rosty was completely upfront about what he had and had not done, and his interviewers said they understood and were fine with that. They greatly respected his background and skillset and were confident he would quickly come up to speed in the content areas.

So, just as our house acquisition decision spanned just eight days (from Monday to Monday), so did Rosty’s job search. He was offered the job exactly eight days (coincidently, also Monday to Monday) after seeing the online ad.

Both of these stories are incredibly encouraging and speak to God’s gracious intervention in our lives. But they stand in stark contrast to literally hundreds of heartfelt prayers offered over many years that didn’t turn out the way I or others wanted:  illnesses that ended in death, financial stresses that lingered and lingered, mental illnesses that weren’t healed, new business ventures that failed, marriages that fell apart, wayward children who never returned, addicts who never achieved sobriety, etc. How do we explain this?

The best I can come up with hearkens back to my last post’s reference to three things Jerry Bridges says about God in his incredible book Trusting God:

·       He controls absolutely everything.

·       He loves you completely.

·       He knows what he’s doing.

These truths back you into the corner (metaphorically and theologically) of having to conclude that you can – indeed, must – trust God in all circumstances, even the ones you hate.

Why does he answer some of your prayers (occasionally with great flair) and not others?

I have no idea. But think about this. If you could “make” God do everything you wanted, you would essentially become the all-powerful magician who could make God do your bidding. Do you really want that?

I may not know why God answers some prayers and not others, but I do know that God is trustworthy. As Paul triumphantly affirms, “I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day” (2 Timothy 1:12). All I can add is, “Amen!”

A New Twist on Answering One of the Most Common Objections to Christianity

How often have you heard this one? 

“You’re telling me that only Christians go to heaven? What about someone who was brought up in a different faith or people from remote areas who never even heard of Jesus? How is it fair for God to condemn them to hell?”

This may be the single most common objection to biblical Christianity. How do you respond to that?

First, let me outline a tried-and-true, solid answer, and then I’ll extend that argument a bit.

The first thing to recognize is that God is absolutely righteous (i.e., fair) in his judgment (Acts 17:31). Next, Paul deals with the exclusivity question in Romans 1. He begins by explaining that no one who rejects God’s existence can accuse him of being unfair because God’s invisible attributes,

namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him (Romans 1:19-20).  

In other words, absolutely everyone should know that God exists.

Tony Evans takes this thought process to the next step when he explains that

God will judge people according to the light they have. Thus, those who sinned without the law (Romans 2:12) . . . will be judged according to the law that is written on their hearts” (The Tony Evans Bible Commentary, p. 1119).

Or putting it another way, people won’t be held accountable for something they don’t know about. Essentially, this is an argument from the lesser to the greater. Let me explain.

For the sake of discussion, let me arbitrarily suggest there may be eight or nine “levels” of belief involved in becoming a Christian. (There may be fewer or more.) The first step might be acknowledging there is some kind of god. The second might be that this god has a personality (as opposed to being a vague “force”). The third point might be that this god created us. And so on. The final step is acknowledging my personal sin that can only be dealt with by Jesus’ sacrificial death on my behalf and committing my life to him.

Here’s why this is an argument from the lesser to the greater. The thoughts are getting more and more specific. If someone denies the very existence of God (a pretty “mild” belief), there is no way they will surrender to Christ’s lordship (a very demanding one). This means that even if someone has never heard of Jesus, they can be held accountable for having “rejected him” (Step 8) if they deny that God even exists in the first place (Step 1).

This is a well-known line of reasoning and can be quite effective. My addition to this thought pattern is to push it to its logical conclusion. If someone rejects the Christian message as “unfair” to people who have never heard or were brought up in a different faith, they are rejecting Paul’s teaching in Acts 17:31 and denying God’s fairness. “I would never condemn someone for not responding to something they never even heard of.” But stop for a minute. They are implicitly claiming that their sense of fairness is greater than God’s. Do you really think it’s wise to go there?

This may be one of those “slow burn” thoughts that someone has to mull over for a while before they recognize how presumptuous it is. Although I have only shared this logic with a few people, I have yet to have someone be willing to admit that they consider themselves to be more fair than God is.

What do you think? Does this argument fly?

When Life Trashes Your Trophies

I absolutely love the Focus on the Family ministry. And one of my favorite stories told by its founder Dr. James Dobson concerns his student tennis career. As a freshman at Point Loma Nazarene University, he saw a large, impressive trophy in the gym engraved with the names of each year’s most valuable tennis player. “I’m going to get my name on that trophy,” he vowed. And, sure enough, the name James Dobson was added in both 1956 and 1958.

Years later, as one of the college’s outstanding graduates, Dr. Dobson was invited back to address the student body. On the way to his speaking engagement, he spied, of all things, the coveted outstanding tennis player trophy peeking out of a dumpster behind the school’s gym. Years after Dr. Dobson’s triumphant accomplishments, someone valued that trophy so little that they literally trashed it. He took that as a lesson in keeping perspective on how much emotional investment to make in what really can be legitimate pursuits.

I had a similar experience. The American College of Healthcare Executives (ACHE) is a 40,000-member, international personal membership association for senior healthcare leaders. Each state elects someone to the role of Regent to represent them to the international organization, and once a year, each Regent gives a special award to just one outstanding senior leader in their region. Every year, I secretly hoped my name would be called. It never was.

Ironically, about nine years ago I was elected Regent for Georgia and found myself in the position to actually select the winners. Besides recognizing that the selection process is fairly arbitrary, I realized that, since there is only one award, many worthy leaders never receive that honor.

Once I completed my term as Regent, ACHE sent a beautiful certificate commemorating my service. When I started my consulting business in 2015, I turned an extra bedroom at home into my office. My wife Annette asked me if I wanted to get the ACHE Regents certificate framed to hang in the office. I decided that, since she, I, and the pest control technician would be the only three people who would ever see it, it wasn’t worth the $150 necessary to frame it.

This realization put a lot in perspective for me. First of all, I had strongly desired getting the award but never did. It’s OK. That fact doesn’t diminish my value as a leader or a person. Then, I was in the position to actually give the award to others and saw how difficult it was to single out just one person. This further made my non-existent award OK. And, finally, in the end, I decided the symbol – i.e., the Regents certificate – of my “prestigious” role of recognizing an outstanding peer was not even worth framing.

Now, I’m 100% in favor of setting goals, working hard, and applauding others for their accomplishments. But if what used to be Dr. Dobson’s treasured trophy ends up in the trash, and if a certificate that recognizes one of my more important professional accomplishments isn’t even worth spending $150 on, how much sense of self-worth should I place in those goals? (I was going to take a picture of the certificate to use as a visual for this article, but, frankly, I don’t even remember where it is.)

Scripture teaches that there are only three things that are truly eternal:  God, his word, and people. So, while I’m legitimately pursuing life’s important and necessary “human” goals, I should always consider to what extent I’m balancing those against the three things of eternal significance.

In recent years, God has led me into an extremely rewarding individual mentoring ministry with about a dozen younger men. God calls each of us to different ministries, and I encourage you to ask yourself if you are investing in what really matters in life:  your relationships with God, your family, and those he has placed in your path. These are life’s true trophies that will never be trashed.