One of the Nicest Things My Wife Ever Said to Me

My wife Annette taught middle school science for 19 years. Like many organizations, the schools she worked in were mostly populated by wonderful people but also had a sprinkling of “how-does-this-person-keep-their-job” types. One individual in particular who seemed unusually difficult was one of her assistant principals. He consistently exhibited less common sense than most of the middle school students. Plus, he repeatedly failed to support the teachers, making their jobs much harder.

During one of our home Bible Studies, Annette was describing his latest foolish idea. Misbehaving students are often required to spend several days in the In-School Suspension (ISS) room as punishment. Annette explained that Mr. Brain Trust suggested the school buy a ping pong table for the ISS room so students would have something to do while in detention.

Think about that. An unmotivated student is bored in class, so he decides to act up in order to hone his ping pong skills. Great plan!

As Annette was explaining this idiotic proposal, she said, “Even though he has come up with dumb ideas in the past, this was the absolute stupidest thing he ever suggested. And it made me mad that he was pushing a plan that would make it harder for me to teach effectively. I don’t think I’ve ever been as mad at any adult in my entire life.” And then she added as she looked at me, “Well, . . . except you!”

The Bible Study group erupted into laughter, and I loved it! That’s one of the nicest things she ever said to me. It showed she is secure enough in our marriage that she has the freedom to express anger to me knowing I’m not going anywhere. And it’s reciprocal. I’ve been known to send some angry words in her direction. But early in our marriage, at Annette’s suggestion, we agreed we would never utter the word “divorce,” even in jest.

No relationship is stress-free, and, of course, negative comments should be few and far-between. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul encourages us to deal with conflict quickly and “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Marriages or friendships built on mutual love, commitment, trust, and honesty can withstand minor “skirmishes.” Annette and I are both strong-willed and opinionated. And, believe it or not, I have sometimes been known to be stubborn and difficult to live with. But part of the reason we can express our occasional frustration with each other is that we have a baseline, unshakable commitment to never go away.

In the past, I’ve written about some of the difficult individuals in my family of origin. Having people like that in your life creates challenges when it comes to buying greeting cards for “personal” holidays like birthdays, Fathers’ Day or Mothers’ Day. Sending a sentiment like “you’re the glue that holds our family together” or “thank you for always caring” would be disingenuous. And some of the people I’m thinking about have no sense of humor, so the funny cards don’t work. That leaves me with the “enjoy your special day” type cards. Pretty bland.

I was pleased by the dilemma I faced this last Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t decide between two equally “warm” cards. Each expressed a sentiment I genuinely felt toward Annette. So, instead of choosing between the two, I got them both.

Annette recently came up with a great life-saying: 

“Be the kind of person it’s easy to buy a greeting card for.”

She embodies that! Part of what goes into being that type of person is a solid commitment to the important people in your life and a willingness to receive occasional negative feedback. If you live like this saying suggests, I suspect the people who are closest to you are secure enough in your relationship that they’re not afraid to be angry with you when you deserve it.

And for the record, I agreed that the ping pong table idea was idiotic.

If You're Married, You MUST Do This

On a recent Focus on the Family radio broadcast, marriage counselor Dave Carder suggested an intriguing communication exercise for couples. Every morning for 30 days, he suggested, each of you should write down something you like about your spouse, and then share it with him or her at the end of the day.

My immediate thought was, “Great idea, but 30 seems like a lot. I certainly like lots of things about my wife, but 30 might be a stretch.” When I shared this idea with Annette, she suggested an alternative. “What if we modify it to 20 things I like about you, and 10 things about you that drive me crazy? Maybe we could do two days on, one day off.” (Her reaction reflected #25 on my list of things I like about her:  her sense of humor.)

We went ahead with this exercise, and I must say it’s been one of the best things we’ve ever done. I found myself thinking all day about both what I had written for that day – looking forward to sharing it – and pondering what I would say the next. Spending a month thinking about all the things you like about your wife is an awesome experience!

Midway through the month, I started to fear I might “run dry.” Then I realized I could “buy” several days if I started listing things she is not:  she is not high maintenance; she is not a gossip; she is not a troublemaker; she is not a “shopper.” (I know this last one makes me the envy of half the men in the country.)

Perhaps the most interesting aspect was how surprised we were by some of the items the other person listed. After being married for 38 years, I heard Annette verbalize some positive things about me that had never even occurred to me.

And it turns out that the most surprising thing she said about me didn’t show up until the very last day when she told me I don’t have a mean bone in my body. She said she has never seen me do anything to intentionally harm anyone. I pushed back a bit and reminded her to the many times I would complain – occasionally bitterly – about some of the jerks in my life. She agreed that I have honed that particular skill pretty well, but she went on to point out that, despite my negative feelings, she has never seen me take action to hurt them. I had never thought of that. What an encouraging observation from the person who knows me better than anyone else!

Interestingly, my #30 comment about her was also an obvious one that I’m surprised I hadn’t tagged sooner – the fact that she feels secure enough in our marriage to be able to express her anger toward me knowing it wouldn’t kill our relationship. I’m thrilled she feels that safe.

And it turns out we didn’t have to worry about running out of ideas. We each even came up with one or two “bonus” items, beyond the 30.

So, I highly recommend this exercise. Give it a try! By the way, you can also do this with your kids or anyone else. Tell them one thing you like about them every day for 30 days.