If You See Something, Say Something

Our little town of Wrightwood is nothing like the rest of Southern California. We have only 5,000 residents, no stop lights, and no fast-food restaurants. But we do have snow. Not exactly downtown LA.

We also have a country club. But forget everything you know about country clubs. Ours consists of a sag pond (created by the two sides of the San Adreas Fault that runs directly under it) with thousands of tadpoles, a few tennis courts, a small fitness center, and a snack bar. The closest thing we have to golf is a disc golf course. But one nice feature we do have is the summer Sunday afternoon concert series with blues, jazz or rock groups playing in the pond’s bandshell.

A few weeks ago, as Annette and I were signing in at the main gate to enjoy the music, the young check-in lady turned to Annette and out of the blue said, “You are really pretty.” Annette was slightly taken aback, but then a big smile came over her face as she thanked her for her kind remark.

Why are we so chintzy with our compliments? That comment cost the check-in girl nothing and brightened Annette’s afternoon.

A phrase that came into fashion shortly after the 9/11 terrorist attacks was, “If you see something, say something.” Of course, it was intended to intercept potentially dangerous acts, but let me offer a slight variation:  “If you see something you like or respect, say something.” Why not? Who doesn’t like positive feedback? Everyone gets slammed or criticized when they mess up, so why not offer a counterbalance?

 I meet with many men one-on-one to listen to them, encourage them, let them know that I care about them, and offer input as appropriate. Lately, I’ve been making a point to mention during our meetings at least one positive thing I see in them. It’s usually easy to find something encouraging and specific to say.

For example, if the guy recounts some serious trials he’s facing, I might say, “Obviously, you’re going through a hard time, but I’m impressed by how you’re leaning into it,” or “I know this is hard for your whole family, and I love how you how you’re trying to minimize the impact on your wife.”

If I forget to offer such a comment, I sometimes drop a quick text later that day to remind him of something that impressed me. Better late than never.

I urge you to be on the lookout for how you can express genuine appreciation to those in your world. Like any other new behavior, it might take a while to make this a default piece of your conversations, but once you do, you will be amazed how easy it is to identify positive attitudes and behaviors.

 Various studies suggest that it takes anywhere from three to ten positive comments to counter one negative one. The negative ones always seem to find us. Why not be part of the positive side of that ratio?

If you see something, say something.

Responding to Compliments: 2 Wrong Ways and 1 Right Way

“You’re an amazing musician!  I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone play harmonica like that before.  You have such a bluesy sound, and you make that thing sing!”

I often hear comments like this.  For five years, I performed with various internationally touring Cru music ministry bands and currently play professionally in a Christian bluegrass band and with various other musicians.  

How should I respond to such compliments?

Wrong Way #1 – Pay too much attention to them and start believing my own press clippings.  That’s a dangerous path towards inappropriate, destructive pride.

Wrong Way #2 – Dismiss the compliment in an attempt to show humility.  

Years ago, I heard a Christian psychologist confess that he used to employ Wrong Way #2 when people would thank him for his wonderful public talks.  “Oh no.  That wasn’t me.  It was all Jesus,” he would say.  In hindsight, he wished just one person would have called him out.  “Wait a minute!  Were my eyes and ears deceiving me?  Didn’t I see you behind that podium?  Wasn’t that your voice I heard?  I don’t know what Jesus sounded like, but the voice I heard sure seemed like yours.”

Of course, this well-meaning speaker was trying to avoid Mistake #1 and but overcorrected by communicating– rather ineptly – that he recognized God is the one who made it possible for him to succeed.  

And he’s right.  Ultimately, God is the one who blessed me with my natural abilities and gave me the discipline to put in the time required to achieve competence.  However, I do deserve some credit too.  If it truly is “all Jesus” and I don’t spend the hours required to hone my skill, the performance will be a mess.  I’m not sure Jesus wants to be blamed for my lack of preparation.

A Right Way to Respond – Now when I am complimented for my playing, I sincerely thank my conversation partner, saying I’m glad they enjoyed the music.  Sometimes I mention how blessed I feel that God gifted me in this way.  I might also briefly comment on one of the songs we played or mention how much I enjoy playing with such great fellow musicians. 

And then – and here is the key – after “basking” in their compliment for maybe 30 – 60 seconds, I ask if they play any instruments.  The typical response is something like, “Well, I used to play trumpet in high school,” or “I play a little guitar.”  If it’s the former, I ask if they ever get to play now.  If it’s the latter, I ask what style they like.  Either response usually starts an enjoyable conversation.  

My approach accomplishes two things:

·         It affirms the person’s compliment.  Instead of rebuffing them by essentially denying the validity of their comment, I receive it and graciously thank them.

·         It gets the attention off me and on to them

This practice can be adapted whether you’re an athlete, speaker, or faithful servant quietly going about your tasks.  Try it out!