The Power of Questions: 3 Examples

Scenario 1:

“You sure can find a dark lining in any silver cloud.” So said a fellow member of our church’s spiritual formation strategy committee. Although I liked the concept the group was discussing, I had just pointed out a possible downside no one had mentioned. Essentially, this gentleman’s message was, “You should keep your negativity to yourself.” I did. I didn’t say anything for the rest of the meeting.

Certainly, I’m not right about every thought that pops in my head. However, as someone who spent nine years in fulltime Christian ministry and as a senior corporate executive with strong analytical/strategic thinking skills, I had considerable experience with the topic under discussion. And I wanted to caution the group about a possible oversight.

I’m perfectly fine with people pushing back on my ideas, but instead of dropping a bomb like this guy did, he should have, first of all, softened his rhetoric and, then, followed up with a question to make sure he really understood my point – something like this: “It sounds like you think this is a bad idea. Am I misreading that?”

That would have given me the chance to clarify the fact that, although I thought the idea on the table was basically solid, there was a consideration that was potentially being overlooked. His question would have invited me to make clear a thought that may not have been perfectly worded without dismissing me.

So, the first power aspect of questions is their ability to invite clarification without alienating others.

Scenario 2:

“Do you think more kids will want hamburgers than hotdogs?” he asked. “What do you think?”

I was a rookie band camp dad helping a veteran band dad prepare lunch for the kids during a summer practice. “The kids should be here around 11:30. When do you think we should start grilling?” “Do these burgers look done to you? What do you think?” He must have asked my opinion on ten different issues.

Now, the other dad had manned the grill numerous times before and almost certainly didn’t really need my input. But I genuinely appreciated his desire to ask my opinion. That made me feel I was truly part of the process.

So, a second power use of questions is their ability to draw others in and give them a sense of ownership.

Scenario 3:

“So, how was your weekend,” I asked my friend over Panera bagels. “Well, not so hot. My wife and I got into an argument about her wanting to buy a rototiller for her garden. It’s only about 20’ x 12’, and I can turn the soil over with a shovel in about an hour. I don’t mind doing that, but she says a rototiller would do a better job. The cheapest one I found at Home Depot is $300.”

He continued, “Have you heard of the book The $64 Tomato? It could have been written about our garden. Every year she spends hundreds of dollars on soil amendments, fertilizer, fencing, pesticide, plants, seeds, and deer deterrent (which is very expensive and has to be refreshed whenever it rains). I’m glad she loves gardening, but the yield is pretty modest (hence the $64 tomato), and I don’t think it’s smart to spend $300 for something I could do almost as well for no money. She didn’t agree. So, it was a pretty icy weekend.”

After expressing empathy over his situation, I asked, “What do you think would happen if, early in the spring, you two sat down and looked at projected expenses over the summer – kids’ camps and activities, vacation plans, any unusual household expenses, etc. – and agreed on how much was available for the garden? If you agreed that she could comfortably spend, say, $400 on the garden, she could use that any way she wanted to. She might have to cut down elsewhere if she decided to buy the $300 rototiller.”

“Well, I never thought of that. That’s a pretty good idea. It just might work,” he responded.

Essentially, I was making a suggestion, but I offered it as a question instead of a statement. As he processed this new idea, he had to think through how his wife might react. Even if it was a bad idea, it would have given him something to mull over, and it could have prompted a somewhat different and even better approach. In either case, he would be moving off dead center.

Another advantage of posing the idea as a question was that I didn’t come across as overly directive and a know-it-all.

So, the third power of questions is their ability to draw people into problem solving in a way that statements might not.

Jesus himself often incorporated questions into his teaching:

·       Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:27)

·       Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? (Luke 11:11)

·       Which of these do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers? (Luke 10:36)

Shouldn’t we follow Jesus’ example?

And did you notice how I phrased this last suggestion as a question?  😊