The Best Way to Get Someone to Change Their Ways

As we dove into our burgers and fries, my friend Chase and I were getting caught up after not having seen each other for a few months. He had been in our Friday morning men’s group but had to pull back because of a job change, other work pressures, a move to a new house, and the demands generated by a very active household.

Covid compounded the problem by halting both the men’s group’s and out church’s in-person meetings. Even though our church is now back in full swing, because Chase’s family includes high Covid-risk individuals, his family continues to stream the services instead of attending in person.

When Chase admitted feeling somewhat isolated, I commented, “You really need to get more involved with other Christians again.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I paused and said, “Let me rephrase that: ‘Getting together in person with others is really important, and I don’t want you to miss out on what that can do for you.’”

The reason I revised my suggestion was that I had just concluded my blog series from a couple of months ago on legalism. That series was motivated by a TV sermon where the pastor – who typically imparts rule after rule after rule – was adding to his long “you must” list. My comment to Chase made me realize I was sounding a bit like the heavy-handed pastor, something I certainly didn’t want to do.

I wanted Chase to fully experience the joys of getting together with other believers to both give and receive encouragement, to grow in his faith, and to maximize his spiritual leadership of his family. I honestly didn’t want him to miss out on that.

Pointing a boney finger at someone makes them feel that you’re trying to “fix” them. By contrast, painting an enticing picture of what can be and then inviting the other person to step into that is far more attractive.

Isn’t that exactly what Jesus did as he likened life in the kingdom to the joy of finding a buried treasure or an extremely valuable pearl? He also promised rest for the weary and relief from the burdens of life. Of course, he was brutal to the religious leaders who were adding legalistic burdens to their converts, making them “twice as much a child of hell as you are yourselves” (Matthew 23:15). But the fact that he attracted so many “outcasts” testifies to the effectiveness of his positive message of grace and love, and the need to be forgiven and changed. The “I don’t want you to miss out” approach is far more likely to win over someone’s heart than is the “beat someone into submission” method.

There are a few caveats, though:

·       Just because your approach is gentle, you mustn’t throw out God’s standards or condone sin. God calls us to lifestyles that reflect his holy nature.

·       This approach is most effective with people with whom you have a decent relationship. It’s far harder when you are estranged from someone. But even then, trying to communicate that you want the best for the other person never hurts.

·       Parents often have to be more heavy-handed with their children than they can be with peers and colleagues. But even when you must lower the boom, it’s most helpful if you can convey that your motivation is wanting the best for your child, not making their lives miserable.

·       Sometimes tough love is necessary, especially if the other person suffers from addiction or some other major dysfunction.

So, next time you encourage someone to make a change, consider how you can communicate that your primary motive is wanting them to not miss out on all God has for them.