"You Are So Inhibited!"
It was a party at a friend’s house during my senior year of college. The hostess, a friend of several years, invited me to try out her new beanbag chair. I had never seen one before, and to me it just looked like a lumpy black vinyl blob on the floor. Since I was unaware that the “proper” way to enjoy a beanbag chair is to plop into it and wiggle your way to a comfortable “nest,” I just awkwardly lowered myself and sat motionless, hoping that approach would minimize my looking foolish.
I was wrong.
That’s when my friend blurted out, “You are so inhibited!” Although she was right, her comment did little to help me feel less self-conscious. In fact, it did just the opposite. Now everyone in the room knew my friend considered me uptight.
I remember reading about a parallel awkward situation where a seasoned Christian named Dave was discipling Jake, who had just come to faith a few weeks before. Apparently, Jake was the sensitive, artistic type and didn’t fit the “macho man” image. Dave suspected that he might have some deep issues, and in an attempt to help his personal growth, he asked, “How long have you had homosexual feelings?”
As well-meaning as it might have been, this question was insensitive, unwise and counterproductive. Since Jake had not mentioned anything about that area of his life, this question must have sent him into a tailspin. I’m sure he wondered, “What signals am I sending that would make someone suspect I’m gay?”
The common thread in both these situations is a lack of someone stepping into the other person’s shoes and recognizing how their words could be hurtful, even if, as in Dave’s case, spoken with the best of intentions. Calling out an insecure person’s inhibitions just makes the person more insecure.
Did my beanbag chair friend think I would react to her observation by saying, “Thanks for pointing that out. I promise to be less inhibited moving forward”? Her words came from her unfiltered exasperation. And since she meant no harm, although her comment did make me feel embarrassed, I knew she meant no harm.
Or did Dave expect Jake to say, “You know, even though I’ve never told anyone, you’re right about me being gay. From now on, I won’t have those feelings anymore”?
Dave’s first mistake was not realizing he hadn’t earned the right to ask such a personal question that early in their relationship. Secondly, he could have misread the situation and assumed something that might not be true. Finally, his question was far too direct. If Jake was indeed struggling with homosexuality, at some down the road – once a trust relationship had been established – Dave could have brought up the topic in the context of him sharing some of his own personal struggles.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that asking a low-key question is far better than making a bold statement or asking a question – like Dave’s – that is both presumptuous and possibly based on a faulty notion. Gentle questions can provide additional information that can correct some of your assumptions and also smooth the pathway to important conversations.
Everyone desires solid connections with others. Done the right way, getting involved in someone’s life can be life-changing for them and deeply fulfilling for you. Treating the other person respectfully and considerately is the key.
I urge you to seek ways to appropriately enter other people’s lives, approaching them in ways that are likely to have them listen to you. It’s worth the effort!
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“A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” – Proverbs 16:21 (Good News Translation)
Do you sometimes shy away from pointing out a weakness in someone else because you’re afraid you’ll hurt their feelings? How do you strike a balance between saying too little or too much?
How do you feel when someone points out one of your flaws? How can understanding your own reactions shape how you approach others when you try to give them input?