Is It Ever OK to NOT Ask for Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a core aspect of the Christian faith. Of course, Jesus’ forgiveness of our sins is what makes a relationship with God possible in the first place. And Jesus links my forgiveness of others and God’s forgiveness of my sins (Matt. 6:12-15). Furthermore, he teaches in Matt. 5:23-24 that, if we recognize someone’s offense against us, we should even interrupt the very act of worship to be reconciled, which requires asking for forgiveness. So, our default should always be to quickly forgive and seek forgiveness when necessary.

A few years ago, I had a thought-provoking insight on forgiveness. In my first healthcare job (Administrative Fellow at University of Michigan Health System), I assisted another entry-level executive, Mike, with one of his projects. After several meetings where I wondered whether he really knew what he was doing, I tried to distance myself from the project by going behind his back to the health system CEO to state my concerns and withdraw from the project. In hindsight, I see how cowardly and unprofessional that was. I should have at least clearly told Mike about my concerns and informed him I wanted to bow out.

Despite my inappropriate behavior, Mike and I remained on decent terms and eventually went our separate ways. About 15 years later, he told me he was coming through Atlanta and asked if I wanted to get together. After chatting a while over Waffle House pancakes, I blurted out an apology for my unwise and unkind action from 15 years prior. To my surprise, he had no idea what I was talking about and didn’t even remember the incident. Of course, my asking forgiveness was completely appropriate and in line with Jesus’ teaching, and I’m glad I did it.

I thought about this episode a few years later when I knew I would have the chance to meet up with a different former co-worker from my next job. To my shame, one time in an attempt at humor, I made a joke about one of his physical features. A few months later, he moved on to another job, and despite my stupidity, we stayed in touch professionally. Several years down the road, we discovered we would be attending the same conference. I wrestled with whether or not to dredge up my mistake and ask for his forgiveness.

In the end, I decided the more loving thing was to not bring it up. I concluded that if he did remember, rehashing the incident could compound the problem by opening an old wound, and if he didn’t, my apology would shine the spotlight right now on the very physical trait I’m sure he was already sensitive about. Either way, I would probably cause him discomfort. Apologizing would make me feel I had done my “Christian duty,” but doing so could further wound him.

In those very rare cases where you decide apologizing is worse than not apologizing, there are two ways to compensate for your transgression. First, vow to never repeat the offense – ever. Second, seek ways to affirm the other person in their strength areas in a genuine, non-kiss up way. Come to think of it, encouraging someone else is always a good idea, even when I haven’t offended them.

So, in 98% of cases, yes, apologize quickly and seek forgiveness. But carefully consider whether or not the result might be a net negative for the other person.